Mar 22, 2020 The Toss-up Between Faith & Fear:
I had my second anxiety attack of the year today. It happened while I was in the shower. My showers had become my place of worship and comfort, but today, everything seemed to hit me at once. I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared to raise my children in a global pandemic. I was not prepared for a 3 week (or more) break in the middle of my first year as a 6th-grade teacher. I was not prepared to quarantine for weeks. I was not prepared to home-school my son while virtually teaching my students. I was not prepared to do all of this with a six-month-old on my hip. I was not prepared to hold my husband down in prayer while he continues to work for the county during this time. I was not prepared to be on my face in prayer for the safety of my family, my students, my friends, my neighbors at 2:30 am. I was not prepared to wear a mask just to go to the grocery store. I was not prepared for 5+ showers a day. I was not prepared for this. But… I am equipped for this.
Things like this happen to remind us of how strong we are, how powerful we are, and how magical we are. God knew I needed a reminder. Sometimes I wonder though, could I have been reminded in another way? So how do I handle this? Every morning I wake up hoping that the death count will cease, the number of positive cases will halt, and the disease itself will disappear. Every day it’s something different. Do I keep my family in the house out of fear or do I live my life in faith?
To be honest, my heart chooses faith but my head sometimes gets lost in fear.
How do I escape this place? It’s my relationship and connection with Jesus… it’s a soft whisper that reminds me that everything will be OK. Discomfort is temporary. Joy is everlasting. I have to rely on that peace to get me through. It’s a daily test of my faith. I cannot afford to fix my mind on the things of the world. I cannot afford to let social media rule my thought process… that’s where I messed up. I (for a second) allowed FACEBOOK to rule my mind. I was googling results, side effects, symptoms, possible cures… ALL DAY LONG. COVID-19 had consumed me. How could I let this happen? I forgot to guard my mind with the word of God. WHEW. I’m literally feeling relief as I type this. God, thank you for strengthening me, for equipping me. Your perfect strength is what I have in this hour because you KNOW I needed it. I THANK YOU !!!!!!!!
For those of you who are like me, struggling in the toss-up; choose life, choose joy. choose faith. There is no need to be afraid. We are covered, we are protected. We will be fine. Guard your heart and mind with pleasant things ONLY. Negative thinking, actions, and people have no right in your space of peace. I love us, for real.
This is dedicated to my sister-in-law, Tiffany, in Indiana, and Mrs. Jazz Burton. You ladies lifted me from the pits today. I love you.