The StepMom I Never Wanted to Be…

Twenty-one-year-old me would never marry a man who already had kids. It was the third bullet on my long list of expectations for my future husband. Social media had allowed me to see all the negatives of “co-parenting” and I wanted no parts of it. Not just because I wasn’t raised that way, but also because I REFUSED to raise my own children in that toxicity. In my mind it was GHETTO.

Call it selfish, but I wanted to experience that first with my husband. I wanted him to get that “first father” experience with children we bore together. It was only right. Right? It was the only way. Although I had great friendships with several GREAT people who were products of step-parents; it wasn’t for me.

Well, so I thought.

After my now-husband took me on our 3rd official date, he told me he had a 5-year-old son. What???????? No!!!!!! I loved everything about this man and now this!!!!!!!! My mind told me to “🗣RUN SIS”, but my heart wanted me to stay. So I did…

But… I vowed to myself that I would be a different type of “stepmother”. I wanted to be motherly to him and treat him as I would treat my own children. I wanted to shower him with gifts and pick him up from school, go to his football games, and take him to his drum lessons… I had no idea what I was up against.

After we were engaged, I went in full stepmother mode… arranging, buying, planning, etc… and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why it wasn’t received well. I was doing everything in my power for it to be perfect! What WAS THE PROBLEM?

It’s been almost 8 years and none of those things have happened. And it took me almost 8 years to realize my approach was dead WRONG. A few factors that I never thought about stood in the way. First, this precious child’s mother deserved (and still does) more than just my arrangements and plans. Hell, she’s his MOTHER. How could I not include her in MY plans? It’s not that I didn’t respect her, I just never got the chance to know her. Why…. well…

1. He is 13 hours away!!!!!!! 2. I cannot force my way into his life. He is a child, and I have to go through his mother. 3. I must understand that there are parts of the relationship between his mother and my husband that I will never know about. (For example, the dynamics of their relationship or how it ended). I was devastated. I was new at this stepmother thing and I had already failed. But I didn’t…

To be honest, the relationship (stepmother to stepson) isn’t the best. I try my best to stay “out of the way” and allow my husband to build that distant relationship with his son… while gaining the trust of his son’s mother.

I will always be open to whatever comes, however. I carry him in my heart just like I do my own two boys. He’s a part of my husband, so he’s a part of me. I love him.

It’s a love I can’t explain…

To be continued…

Dedicated to the beautiful, K. Shemo. Your son is amazing and because he is, so are you.



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Meet Mrs. Jasmine J. White. An enthusiastic combination of quick wit and social consciousness, Mrs. White is bringing her unique perspective of being a #MotherLoverSisterFriend to IYU’s curriculum. A fiery, yet vulnerable, black woman with so much to say. Connect with her on Twitter and Instagram.

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