During the course of a woman’s love life, she dates significant men who she will never forget… although she may want to forget them. Most of the time, that number is 4. Today, we are going to identify those 4 men. Name them. Characterize them. Discuss them. These characteristics come from a combination of my friends’ men, men that other women want advice on, and my own experiences. Everything is random and each category will HIT DIFFERENT–depending on where you are in your life. They fall into the following categories:

• Your first love: You generally find him in your younger days (around high school or undergrad). The two of you grew up together. His mama still loves you, TODAY. He broke your heart because he cheated. He was still young and trying to get his numbers up, Chile… While you were thinking about a husband. SHAME. He regrets he didn’t treat you right and realizes that he missed out on a lifetime with you. The two of you are on two different galaxies in life, now. It would have never worked. Y’all are friends on all social media. And you secretly shake your head at how he chooses to live his life now. He still inboxes you with them, “You looking good” and “Remember when stories”… Your thoughts are “BOY BYEEEEEEE”. Let’s call him Milton.

• Frat or Sports Player love: He is the one who RUINED YOUR life. You probably could have caught yourself a charge and a mugshot with this one. You were doing stuff that you look back on in complete disgust… yeah that stuff too. You didn’t introduce him to your parents, because deep down you knew it wouldn’t last; although, sometimes you wanted it to last forever. He used to buy you Waffle House after the club and you thought it was romantic. (You were a mess, friend.) He was a liar. He’s still fine though and if you run into him today, have them good jeans on, baby. Y’all aren’t friends on Facebook, but your homegirl is his friend and she KEEPS YOU INFORMED. He’s probably not married, but his kids are beautiful. Let’s call him Jarvis.

• The Love that got away: He was the perfect gentleman. But by the time you met him, you had become a temporary SAVAGE. Your savage time was OFF. You really let the Frat/Sports Player guy dictate how you treated this one. He was nothing like him and it took you ending the relationship to find out. He presented you so well in front of his family and your family still loves him. This is the one your Mom got mad at you about. She pictured her grandchildren coming from him. He’s married now with beautiful children. His wife drives a luxury vehicle and his kids wear Yeezy’s. Y’all are friends on Facebook. Whenever you hear a Carl Thomas or Auntie Anita record, you think of him. You never see him because he moved away. Let’s call him Bryan.

• The current love: Maybe a husband, boyfriend, or fiancé. You’ve become a stronger woman while with him. He makes you better. He pushes your limits though. You both realized how much growing you had to do individually after year 1. You’ve seen each other through some tough times, some times that almost killed the relationship. You’ve wanted to kill before, LOL. But, he makes you feel like you’re the only one in his world; and you are. He’s not perfect, and you wish he were sometimes… you know it’s impossible though. There is that part of him that you wish would change, it hasn’t changed yet. Y’all are friends on Facebook and have had a few photoshoots together. When you first met him, your Mom secretly thought you could do better. Let’s call him Paul.

• Bonus-The Perfect Friend: You never dated him. He was your go-to conversation when all the above relationships went left. You were secretly giving him the combination to your lock. He WANTED to use the combination to SEX your socks off, but he respected you WAY too much. Y’all were a hidden VIBE. Shared so many interests, but you didn’t think you fit his type. He was too picky. You used to secretly think about “shooting your shot”, but you didn’t want to ruin the VIBE. He knows all the guys you’ve dated and vice versa. He’s married now, y’all don’t talk much, but he’s around. He was the perfect homie. Let’s call him Trey.

Each one of these experiences should have taught you something about yourself. You should now know your weaknesses, triggers, strengths, and love language by now. You shouldn’t be the same woman you were with Milton that you are/were with Paul. Let’s learn not to regret any of our experiences, but embrace them as lessons learned. Some of us have children that came from these relationships and those are sometimes the hardest pills to swallow. Just like you don’t regret your babies, don’t despise who helped bring them into the world.

The truth is, Trey, Paul, Milton, Jarvis, and Bryan all have struggles in life. Some of them came from their childhood. And we (women) expect them to have a manual on how to treat us. When we didn’t even know how we wanted to be treated, yet. What if your job was to help him flourish and be prepared for the next woman? What if you were just a stepping stone? WHEWWWWWW !!!!!! The hard reality, but it’s the truth.

With the way the world is now, we HAVE to uplift our men. Just like you’re not the same person you were when you dated them, they aren’t the same either. We have to give these men room to make errors and room to learn from their mistakes. We have to love them through the hell some of them came from. Society treats them like they are worthless second-class citizens, we have to remind them of their WORTH, DAILY.

Black men, we love you.

You matter.

I love us, for real

*This one is dedicated to ALL black men who have ever really loved a black woman.*