May 11, 2018 Consideration: The Most Important Action in Relationships
“You need a real woman in your life… taking care of home and still fly”
– Beyoncé Knowles Carter
Some hooks are too big. Beyoncé’s “Upgrade U” is one of those hooks. The entertaining ego-driven hook is one in which one of the biggest most successful black women in the world is talking about how her very presence upgrades her man. Brilliantly placed, the hook did what it was supposed to do; grab the attention of women who also feel like they’re the missing piece to a good man’s ascension. I agree with the premise but the gems are ultimately in the verses. Mrs. Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter so elegantly speaks on the true fuel to longevity in relationships, in my opinion. That fuel is a consideration. The record details how, in every way, she’s willing to be what her man needs at that very moment.
This ain’t a shoulder with a chip or an ego. Ego says, “what about me” or “what am I getting out of this”. That, unfortunately, has become the dominant mentality of dating for this generation. Love with limitations or too many regulations will ultimately turn into poison. The beauty of this record is the confidence not only in her personal skill set but also in her confidence in the man she chose. That confidence allows her to love without limitations. To consider when he needs a helping hand, a stylist, a cook, a showpiece, even a governor. That’s a consideration. Consideration in a relationship is when you look for the holes in the dopeness of your partner, and you look to fill them instead of condemning them. Consideration is when you’re in tune with your partner’s plate, and you help them clean it, metaphorically. This isn’t a one-way street. This isn’t just about a woman serving her man’s needs, this is a partnership. This is when the man CHECKS his woman’s oil without her asking. This is when a man gets home early, knowing his woman normally takes out the meat to cook, realizing it’s not out without her having to call him. Then after realizing, asking if he needs to take something out or if she would rather him handle dinner (cooking or carry out). Consideration is him loading the dishes after she cooks without her asking. Consideration ultimately is to help complete the day, week, month, and goals of your partner.
“Your generation competes for who can get the most doing the least for their partner, we tried to do everything for our partners. That’s what made you a good mate, not how much you spent or how good you looked” – My Grandma
The debates are endless. Every day on at least one social media platform there’s a question of who should do what in a relationship. Who should pay this, who should call the most, who should like who the most, who should clean the most? It’s a product of our blueprints being erased. Everybody’s trying to figure it out. The common thread, however, is everybody is trying to govern how much they should give. How considerate they should be of their partner. While demanding the maximum effort they can garner from that same partner. This is the poison that’s eating away at relationships every day. Times change. I’m aware. The circumstances of men and women in our society have drastically changed from the era of my grandparents, but we desperately want the longevity of those relationships. What I’ve seen is, in so many scenarios that contrast the eras, is that the real difference is they just considered each other blindly, more. They weren’t more faithful or weak, they weren’t even much less financially able because finances are relative; that’s why the cost of living matters even today. They weren’t less oppressed or had fewer factors trying to divide them, they just had different opposition. They dealt with that opposition by being each other’s help. I don’t know how we get back there I just know that consideration is the fuel.
We all love a little differently. I don’t believe in a lot of myths. I’m not an astrology expert. I couldn’t care less about it, honestly. One thing I have grown fond of is the philosophy of love languages. My love language would be “Acts of Service”. I feel like that’s the epitome of consideration. My acts aren’t for bragging rights or for the audience, I genuinely want to fill the voids I see I can help with. The common misconception when trying to understand love languages is that people typically stop in the middle of the road. We typically work to understand what our language is, what our needs are, what we want our partners to understand but the real tool is in understanding your partner’s love language. I think it’s also an exercise incompatibility that gives you a good perspective when you’re beginning the process of dating. Knowing that I’m more of an action lover also helped me realize how much I struggle with words of affirmation. I really don’t take compliments without a grain of salt. I’ll commonly deflect with a deprecating joke. My lack of need for it leads to a lack of willingness to give them consistently too. That’s where my biggest challenge to be considerate has come from. Giving persistent reassurance that affirms a woman that I’m attracted to her or truly invested in her has always seemed unnecessary to me at a high rate. But I have to cross the street and realize that the person I love needs to be loved in conjunction with their love languages and they’ll need to love me in conjunction with mine. The clarity in this lets me know what I can deal with and what I’m willing to compromise with and that is 50% about my interest level in that relationship, but not limited to it. Too much bending would mean a lack of compatibility.
It’s not hard to do what you want to do. Being considerate isn’t hard at all, in essence. No one is perfect but being really in tune with someone you’re intending to build a life with comes second nature to me. It’s one of the things I hang my hat on. It’s also what I look for in all relationships, not just romantic ones. Not because I need people to do things for me, it’s almost cringe-worthy when people do, but the character of a person shows in how often and how genuinely they consider people around them. I put a lot of stock in noticing when someone needs a listening ear or a motivating word. Paying attention to your partner should be a hobby of sorts. Women, the natural nurturers, usually excel at this. That has been exploited, generally, for so long that even they are playing for keeps now. How do we reverse the trend? How do we love without fear again? How do we embrace being an asset for how we treat people more so than the tangible things we give them? Be Considerate, I feel like the rest follows that.