Aug 3, 2018 Adapting to Patience…

How many of us can say that some of the men we dated only happened because of our inability to be alone? There was a time a relationship ended, a bit of a toxic one, that I immediately started talking to the first cute guy who found me attractive. I was literally playing myself. After a few days of texting him, I knew it wouldn’t work. We wanted something totally different out of life. However, I intentionally forced a relationship with someone who was only meant to be a passerby.

We shall call him “Sean”.

The “good morning” texts were so forced. I remember rolling over in the morning to look at my phone, seeing them, knowing they didn’t come from a genuine place. I accepted it though because I shouldn’t be alone. I didn’t want to be alone. That would force me to be real with myself. That would force me to think and deal with the things about myself that hated. I ran from it.

When I should have been focusing on Jasmine and allowing growth to take place, I was focused on Sean and being complacent with his inability to make me happy. The only thing I ever got out of the 5 months {waste of time} was a full tank of gas and a few lemon pepper wings on occasions. I showed him that I was comfortable with that, so he never had any intentions to give me more. I was literally playing myself.

I was trying so hard to convince myself that our relationship was real, that I missed all the red flags.

Red flag one- he suffered from severe depression. He could make me laugh. So, when we were together, I took everything as jokes. Until he made a comment about suicide… and then this happened.

We both worked at a bank and his bank just so happened to be across the street from mine. So, his manager and co-workers knew me as “Sean’s girlfriend”. One day at work, I received a phone call.

“Hello”

“Jasmine, this is Sean’s manager from 123 Bank &Trust.”

“Yes, ma’am”

“He never came to work this morning. Have you heard from him?”

Strangely enough, I hadn’t heard from him since the night before. He stopped by for about 20 minutes and headed home, I assumed. “No ma’am, I haven’t. But I’ll try to contact him”

I disconnected from his manager and called his cellphone. He answered. Again, I’m thinking it’s all jokes. I laugh. “You didn’t feel like going to work today?”

“No need,” he said.

There was a brief silence. “…and why not,” I said—I was confused

He began to cry, which was odd. I had never known him to be anything but goofy with me. He was showing emotions and I didn’t know how to react. “What is wrong with you?”

He started screaming telling me how he couldn’t do it anymore. His mom was on drugs, his grandmother was dying, his dad was in prison, he was molested as a child.  His life was a mess, and I never took the time to get to know him. He said he was headed to his mom’s house to take his life and he probably wouldn’t see me again.

I left work to look for him. I went by his apartment, but he wasn’t there. I was headed to his mom’s house, but I didn’t know where that was. I panicked. I was out of options.

I said a prayer and left it to God.

The next day, he texted me. We realized we were wasting each other’s time and decided to let the mess of a relationship go.  We were both place fillers. I wished him the best and never heard from him again.

Until two years ago, he found me on Facebook. I was glad to know he was alive. He is still handsome and looks to be very successful and happy.

He now lives an openly gay life somewhere in Florida.

Red Flag two—He never kissed me.

Sis, be patient and wait on the right man for you. Be comfortable with who you are. Learn to love yourself.

This is dedicated to my fren, Tasha. She’s perfect. One day someone will find out.