“Behind every great man, is a woman… behind every downfall of every great man, is also a woman”
– Anonymous

As a student of culture, a student of life, and a student of human progress and interactions, I have continuously searched for trends of success and failure throughout history. I’ve been writing about the power spiritually, emotionally, financially, and socially of marriage a lot recently. I sincerely believe it’s the nucleus of advancement. That’s not the debate today though. Today I want to talk about how important it is for a man (that’s looking for one) to find the right woman!

There’s No Fury. Dating should have an end goal. As an adult man, exclusively dating a woman means I’m interested in building a life with her forever. Obviously, it doesn’t always work out that way. The process of dating is supposed to be a process of elimination. In an era of instant gratification, time limits, supreme impatience, and over-exposure in general— people don’t take the time to go through the process. You can randomly, almost weekly, see “how long should you talk to somebody before ya’ll make it official?” or “how long should you be with somebody before you get married?” conversations being had across most social media platforms. Everybody’s in a rush to get nowhere fast. Forever is a walk, not a sprint, unless you plan to die young. I think men are afforded the luxury to take more of their time, perception-wise, going thru this process of elimination than women are given. Society doesn’t look at us at 30 years old like we have “USELESS” written on our foreheads if we’re still single. We don’t have the pressure of our perception being that we’re damaged if we don’t have a spouse and kids at 30. That hysteria can drive a woman insane. I’ve seen it. What I’ve seen drive men insane the most is choosing the wrong woman! I think that normally comes from submitting to the rush. Submitting to pressure from the woman that’s under pressure. Men also submit to the idea of a good woman is better than dealing with the worst-case scenario. A good woman doesn’t mean it’s the right woman. That leads to eventually having to deal with what can sometimes happen when you promised a woman forever only to realize you don’t want to give it to her. Realizing that good wasn’t good enough.

Mrs. Obama vs Your Baby Mama. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have kids with women that we didn’t deem compatible enough to be our wives. Ultimately for our socio-economic and emotional condition to better, across the board, we HAVE to start marrying our women. Stabilizing the family structure. There’s a natural trauma in our community just from growing up in Black in America. We further the trauma of our kids by not showing them on a daily basis what tribal love is in the household. We don’t think about it when we’re just out here living our lives from a selfish standpoint, I didn’t either, but as you get older you hopefully acquire a better perspective. That doesn’t mean just because you didn’t marry the mother of your child(ren) that you’re a bad person, but it sends subliminal messages to your children. It sends a message to that woman and other women in our community. It builds resentment. It hinders the teaching of teamwork. It hinders the teaching of perseverance. And as a man, it hinders you. Because no matter if you find the woman of your dreams later and marry her, for the next 18 years of your life, your focus will have to be split. You have to somehow contribute to the building of two homes when doing it for one home is hard enough. In the most ideal of co-parenting relationships, your influence is still incomplete when you’re not living in that house. When your leadership and protection are not matched with your wife’s compassion and insight every day, to guide your kids’ potential on one accord, there are cracks in the armor.

Sampson was powerful. Delilah was his weakness. The most common cautionary tale that comes to mind to me is Sampson & Delilah. For those who don’t know the story, the brief summary is that Sampson was otherworldly powerful. Delilah was breathtakingly beautiful. His addiction to women and her power to manipulate men, because she was so beautiful, made it to where she betrayed him twice and he still let her back in to attempt to destroy him again. That’s the nature of great men. Men of great power. “Beautiful women have the most options, Successful (powerful) men have the best options.” As exaggerated as it sounds, there are many examples of this. Whether it’s the wrong woman in the case of Delilah, Jennifer Hudson’s shameful handling of her husband’s name and love, or the glutton of women in the case of Tiger Woods or Magic Johnson, a man not finding his wholeness in the right woman will ultimately be his downfall. Even if he rises again. We’ve gotten to a point of saying a man/woman doesn’t complete you, for cliché purposes, but I don’t believe that. I believe we lack nuance so much that we feel you have to pick one side or the other. One option or the other. But society is a big generalization and we should all aspire to be independent thinkers and dedicated listeners. I think a mate doesn’t define you, but they do complete you. I feel there are only 3 needs God gave us all for survival and peak potential; Food, Oxygen, and companionship. Our purpose is to love in so many capacities. But the love we give to the world is ultimately an extension of the love we have in our everyday space. That’s what companionship is. It’s not about the choice of marriage or the choice of monogamy, it’s the choice of love that you choose and how you choose to manifest that love. So, if you start at the root, and that root is damaged or planted wrong, that plant won’t grow as it should. Choosing the wrong woman will be the pesticide to everything else you touch on this side of life. That’s my belief.

No Love Lost. We create this facade in our heads. This fallacy of what love is and how it should look! Instead of focusing on how it should feel. A lot of us believe, as long as it looks like what the public tells us it should, then we should be okay with it. But Magic Johnson chose the right woman. His own insecurities and ego might have led him to betray that woman, but ultimately, she was exactly who he needed. Coretta Scott King was the right woman. Rachel Robinson (Jackie Robinson) was the right woman. Michelle Obama was the right woman. Savannah James (LeBron James) was the right woman. No matter the battle or the mistakes, every great man needs the right woman to keep his mission alive. To keep his heart intact when his mind wanders. To show him what true compassion and forgiveness are. This is not to excuse infidelity but this to also not project perfection. Infidelity is a deep wound that shouldn’t be taken lightly, but in the end, loving the right person also involves forgiveness, which isn’t exempt. On a case-by-case basis of course. My hope is that it’s understood what I’m saying and that it will be read in the sincerest hopes of understanding and not misunderstood as a lack of accountability. Or misunderstood as a dependency. Interdependency is where love should live.

Just my thoughts,

Travis Cochran